September 30th 12:49PM
TGIF
It's been a mixed week. Slack sometimes, busy the rest. Thursdays are beginning to become my busiest, most challenging, and most fun days.
Field of Beans, Lodi
I am very fortunate to have stumbled upon a local café here in Lodi called Field of Beans ("Best cup of coffee in town"). They do have good coffee. What really stole my frugal, busy, web-browsing heart was the promise that they will have free wireless access here in Lodi starting next week.
I spoke to Noah, and although they have some connection now, it's not reliable, so they're expecting an SBC tech to come make their dreams come true. Hopefully this isn't the gamble that it appears to be, resting your hopes on SBC technicians, who have a bit of a reputation in my office.
The first thing that caught my eye was that they have a small stage and sound system. Unfortunately, I hear that the city is giving them shit about doing "entertainment" there, due to some zoning issues. I hope they get it worked out; one more amplified voice couldn't hurt. And neither could the occasional open mike night!
I spent some time in the café yesterday, and got very wired up on Costa Rica with a shot of espresso. Zing! I had a great time.
Banjo-playin' Doppelganger
Joe C. hipped me to this video out on the web, a bluegrass music video with a banjo picker who looks damn near exactly like me. Poor bastard.
I have half a mind to send the link to everyone I know, and claim to be the that guy; he looks that much like me.September 27th 7:49AM
My little buddy
I dropped my boy off with the daycare provider (read: total stranger) this morning, and it was not easy. I hated the idea of it in advance, I hated the idea in practice, and I am only tolerating it now because of a lack of alternatives.
I resent being forced to do it.
But, I tell myself, it is necessary. People do it all the time. The care provider will keep her dogs away from my son. She won't smoke around him, I tell myself. He will not freak out and spend his entire day wondering desperately why his parents have forsaken him. It'll all be fine, I say in my head.
I still hate it. Maybe it will get better as I come to know and trust the provider.
September 25th 6:43AM
Red Hot Rider
My wife took me and my daughter horseback riding yesterday. For some reason, her horse got spooked when trying to cross a trickle of a creek in our back yard, and started wheeling around and doing some very impolite shit that caused my wife's life to flash before my eyes. My wife was cool though, and she navigated her Nervous Nelly away from the Big Bad Mud Puddle, and up a steep incline instead.
I rode Rocky, a Peruvian Paso who has finally put on enough weight to withstand the hip-popping chore of carting my fat carcass through the brush. He did a good job, and humored this tenderfoot.
Did I mention my wife is an excellent teacher? She is.
September 23rd 12:49PM
Almost forgot
It's been a helluva week. I stepped on the scale this morning - 202.5! I rock! I am to be feared! Haha!
BNI losing a member?
One of my favorite BNI co-members is deciding to drop out. I don't know why, but I will try to find out, and persuade her otherwise. She's a very nice lady, and I would regret her absence.
BizarreWatch 2005
I got an e-mail from one of the many John Bizarre fans across the country, a young lady who says she's known him since his career's infancy, and they used to vomit together (or something, I may be misreading this). John needs a fan club.
Speaking of which, John is in my greater area soon - Reno, October 25th thru 30th. I wonder if I can make that. Maybe an anniversary thing?
September 23rd 7:49AM
Plans change
I am told that Mom is no longer going to Eureka, but will search for a closer location to move to.
Valley Springs PC Users Group
You are talking to (reading from the blog of) the newest President of the Valley Springs PC Users Group. I was voted in in a landslide election last Thursday night. I crafted a presentation around tech news and drawing tablets and their use.
My first order of business: get my crap together. Learn my duties better, timing of doing certain things, learn the names, the places, the dates, update and format their page on my website. Clark Gehrke, outgoing Prez has been very helpful and conscientious, and I appreciate it.
Second orders of business: line up or produce another presentation for November, increase and diversify the number of attendees and members.
A standup revival?
The Users Group (already I'm casually referring to it in shorthand) meeting was a good start, and I enjoyed speaking with the attendees. But I must admit that on the way out, I allowed my focus to widen to the world around me, and I stopped and said to Marti:
"... you have a ... stage..."
The back wall of the Veteran's Hall sported a modest but totally legitimate stage, about three or four feet off the ground. Rather than mulling my acceptable performance in presenting to our small-but-quality group of PC users, I spent the ride home saying over and over: "They have a stage. They have a stage!"
I'm way too busy lately to do it, but if life slows down a bit, someday, this growing village might posses the right mix to support an open mike night, or host a real comedian now and then. Hmmm...
Reason #27 that I don't miss Manteca
My brother wrote to me about an errand he ran the other day. During his trip to the bank, his cash withdrawal was interrupted by two gun-totin' Hispanic male bank robbers. Holy crap! What made it even more fun was that my brother's gratitude that the cash he was withdrawing hadn't been counted out yet; once it's in his possession, the bank robbers would have been stealing from a private citizen, not a federally-insured bank. What made it even more interesting is that (I am told) some old fart who's seen too many Dirty Harry flicks piped up, and started talking smack to the gat-packing federal criminals. I am told he was encouraged in no uncertain terms to shut the Hell up. I'm sure he'll have a bold story to tell about how he "told off them damned criminals," but what he really did endanger innocent citizens who really didn't need that shit right then. Idiot.
I think this is the same robbery, listed in the online Manteca Bulletin. I hope it is - if it's so bad we're getting our robberies mixed up, it's even deeper than I thought in Manteca. I like the reporter's take on it; the first line in the story is: "Thursday seems to be the day to rob Bank of the West." That's some good writin', if ya ask me.
September 21st 12:49PM
I always wondered why the Verizon people laugh at me
It just now occurs to me that my cell phone number translates to text (say it out loud): "PP zero-zero BFD." How humbling. It's like they know. I have a pee-pee that is mathematically non-existent, and is not a big frigging deal. Hm. No wonder I have self-esteem issues. Even random chance takes a potshot at me.
Alternatively, you could dial "7700-ADD" to reach me. That also describes me fairly well. What were we talking about?
September 20th 7:49AM
Mom's out
I found out last night that my mother-in-law has chosen to move out soon, taking roost up north in or abouts Eureka, with her son, his lady, and their four children. I feel somewhat like she's abandoning us, and the going will be more difficult without her.
She has been a contributor to our household for a few years now, not the least of her contributions was watching Brian during the day while both of his parents pursue gainful employment. "How convenient," people would say, when I told them of this arrangement. How inconvenient, now that it's ending.
I am not as upset about it as is my wife; her upset is what troubles me most. I am continuing to look for the bright side, and assert that everything will be fine. I admit it is disconcerting. More change.
I have had a long and frank discussion with my daughter about being more of a first mate, and less of lug of cargo, on this ship of fools that we navigate. I didn't put it to her in such silly nautical terms, and she says she understands, and promises to meet the challenge. I have not yet compelled her to respond with a salute and a hearty "Aye aye, Cap'n," but I'm considering it.
Zut alors! À la prochaine, Madame Anglaise
"Petite Anglaise," the Briton-turned-Parisian, living her dream and mine in moving to Paris from an anglophone country, has altered her dream somewhat.
After parting with her French husband, she has moved to Brittany with a new English beau. Although I found her blog looking for Parisian daily life, I'll continue to read. Best of luck to her.
September 19th 7:49AM
So much to blog
My weekend
My weekend was hectic and productive. It was a cascade of small achievements and a quiet but I suspect important change in my outlook. When things tried my patience, I made a conscious effort to let it go. I had far fewer and far milder events of temper, and I think it made a big difference in those around me. Me being an asshole just deflates everybody.
My son
My son is now taking precarious but improving steps around the house, it's really a turning point. We had several "Looklooklooklook!" moments at my place, turning to catch my boy wobbling and stomping from one point of interest to another. That's awesome.
What wasn't awesome was the trip to get photos taken. From the Magical Deck of Baby Dispositions, we closed our eyes and drew... aagh! The "Impatient Inability to Focus" card! Dammit! This was one of those above-mentioned events where I got to try out my new attitude and positive approach. Notable improvement was achieved. We were lucky to get two photos of my son not waving his arms or wailing. We snuck away with that.
My blog
Life has been busy, and one of the first things to lose out has been my blog. The second thing to lose out has been any clever or interesting insight. GOD, this thing is boring. I've got to take up skydiving or crimefighting, before this thing gets any duller. Stay tuned...
September 16th 7:49AM
Thank you
My helpless wail into the blogosphere yielded not one, not two, but three supportive responses, and I've never felt so lucky to have genuine encouragement from so many places. Thank you so much. I am moved by your support, when I really needed it.
Thank you again.
Breaking new ground
I am learning that I have to be more positive, and more patient. I've spent a long time learning the opposite, and switching gears is tough. It's what I've got to do.
September 14th 12:49PM
Scar tissue
My life continues to be hectic and carries a backdrop of desperation I can't seem to shake. I reflect on what causes this constant feeling of dread, and what to do about it. I am amazed at people around me who don't experience it. It's become so ingrained, I can't believe it's not a given. It's become psychological scar tissue, accompanying and inhibiting every thought process.
Yeah, I need counseling. What's your point?
But anyway... I wonder if it is just a bad habit, a result of too much time spent looking for and finding the dark cloud in every silver lining - the bad with every good. If that's the case, then this boogeyman should vanish if I stop feeding it. Simply fake being more positive until it becomes habit. That can't be a bad approach, can it?
I've already begun. I'm listening to old music I've always liked, but mothballed for some forgotten reason. I got my acoustic guitar restrung, so I can fiddle with it more. I have always associated it with regret, because I never practiced enough to be any good at all; I feel bad about it, so I don't practice. So I feel bad about it. A perfect example of the negative thinking mentioned above. I've gotta knock that off.
This blog has got to stop being a journal of clinical depression. Jesus, if nothing else, it makes for some painfully boring reading. How do you put up with this crap? I wouldn't mind the "-depressive" so much if it would come with some "manic-" again.
For Christ's sake, there's a German who powers vehicles with dead cats! How is that not funny?? I need more of this, less anguish. Simple math. I can do it. I know I can.
September 12th 12:49PM
Losin' it
It's been a while since I blogged my weight. Last week: 208. Last Friday: 207. This morning: 206, although I suspect water weight is to blame for that last pound; I expect it will come right back.
September 11th 7:31PM
A crazy time
It's been an odd time. I find myself pressed for time, and life is like one of those dreams where you run and run, but progress only inches. Recent items, in bullet form:
- My wife worked yesterday, and so I watched my son all day.
- My Dad and Denise are coming early today for a visit. Should be a good time.
- My daughter, after having her allowance truncated for a few weeks due to a premaure 'D' grade in Social Science, has improved her showing at school. After a glowing voicemail report from her teacher, her weekly monetary payment is restored.
- My son has learned to identify on command, and pick, his own nose this week.
- My daughter and I occasionally have 'drawing challenges,' where we both pick something for the other to draw, choosing something in general, and something specific about it. The latest items were a turtle with his head slightly exposed, and a gorilla in a rocking chair. We take ten to fifteen minutes and do our best to accomplish the other's item. I should scan the results and post them, a la Joe Crawford. I am continually surprised at how well we both do with unexpected assignments.
September 7th 12:49PM
It begins...
I just made the changes to my domain name that will point "tombickle.com" away from the servers of my current host and employer, and to that of LAMPhost, my brand-new host server. It only makes sense, I suppose.
LAMPhost.net has proven their commitment to service in the past, offers a raft of features not available at my recently-previous host server, and is even a bit cheaper than the old host, too (no setup fee). I'm very excited about the change. There is an element of freedom in it, getting my website and e-mails separate from that of my employer. I get all shivery just thinking about it.
Of course, no one will see this post until the domain name hocus-pocus takes effect, but that's all right, shouldn't be more than overnight before it's all done.
September 6th 7:49AM
Three-day weekends give me the shakes
Saturday was the busiest I've ever been while having a great time. Me and Joe and his family and my kid went to an "undisclosed location" for some fun in the sun. If Stealth Bombers came in aquatic form, they would look a lot like Joe's boat, except for the bright yellow color. Mackenzie and I had a great time. Joe tried to kill us with an elaborate "toobin'" scenario, but only managed to slightly injure my daughter, the clever fiend. Oh, we had a ball. His family is a lot of fun.
We invited Joe and his troop back to my house for a quick meal and a tour of the Bickle compound. The tour, which I have done several times since we bought the place, was different this time. After a few months of living there, we find ourselves too busy to enjoy, and therefore maintain, some of our outdoor recreational areas, and for the first time, I saw the place through my guests' eyes. The place looks like shit! I was embarrassed by the dirt, the dust, the unkempt foliage. I've got to commit more energy to these, as they really are something when kept up properly.
Sunday and Monday, however, were a different story. The grunting. The shoving. The heat, the struggle.
I'm not recalling my honeymoon; like my last 3-day weekend (Fourth of July), my dear wife had me heaving and struggling like immigrant labor to get our fencing project finished, so that our horses could roam free across the better part of three acres, rather than being penned up in their current, smallish area. My brother came up to help, stayed the night, and helped a lot. He even put up with me, and I was pretty grouchy through the heat and the effort.
We got all of it done except for the hanging of a little gate. We left a 4-foot wide gap open so that the horses could escape into the back, but as I left for work this morning, they were still in the pen, munching away on breakfast. I bet they wander out before much longer.
I'm so tired, and there's so much left to do. Housework, work-work, etc. I feel like I'll never catch up.
September 2nd 7:49AM
What a day, part II
What I was too timid and pressed for time to say yesterday was that yesterday marked a departure for me in my personal and professional life. I started offering web design services as a freelance service, which is kind of a big deal for me. It's an admission that what I've been doing "professionally" hasn't been cutting it, and so it's time for me to try something different.
It's a little unnerving, for a few reasons, not the least of which is the potential reaction of my current employer when it inevitably comes to light. You see, I am keeping my current job in a similar vein throughout this endeavor. Although I am taking care not to intrude on it's territory, it (my employer) could, if it really wants to, find a problem with me doing things on the side. That would be unfortunate, but here are the facts:
- My supervisor has already told me that I can design websites on the side all I like. He said it quickly and quietly last year during discussions over my last request for a raise, but he said it clearly, as a way of paving over the fact that I was granted a much smaller increase than I had asked for. Although I haven't acted on that "permission" until now, I fully believe and expect that it still applies. Certainly, the compensation over which this allowance came to pass has not increased, so why should any other part of it have changed?
- I am not pursuing a single client from the stable of clients my employer has now or has done business with in the past.
- Besides, my wife is behind me, and my Dad is proud of me, so screw it anyway.
Yesterday marks enough of a change in my life that I'm damn sure going to blog it.
"Be the chicken"
My wife had some words of wisdom for me, as I was thrashing about inside my own head over some ongoing familial setbacks that were dragging me down. This is why she's awesome:
(I'm paraphrasing) "You know, chickens are odd, because every day, when they wake up, the remember absolutely nothing from the day before. Not a thing. It's all brand new. If they were kicked at by a horse, they will fearlessly and happily head straight for the horse pen, and scratch around like nothing had ever happened. They just don't carry things around from one day to the next."
I wouldn't mind remembering which horse had it in for me, but other than that, I see where I can possibly learn something from chickens.
September 1st 7:55PM
What a day
I started the day off right, with a flat fricking tire. This, on a day when being on time meant a bit more than it usually does. With the help of my loving wife, I was back on the road in enough time such that I could speed like a meth-crazed Indy driver and make up the time.
I spent a busy, expensive day in Lodi, buying necessities (like 4 new tires and vehicle maintenance) and a very few luxuries.
Throughout the day I experienced a trip in a virtual time machine. I ran into:
-
some dumb kid in a brand-name car lot uniform, couldn't be more than 20, crazy, stupid, sickening, enviously, head-over-heels in puppy love, hanging on and stroking and adoring a slightly disinterested object of his mythical-proportion affection; just an emotional train wreck waiting to happen. Without a doubt, this is me 14 years ago.
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then, I visited upon a version of myself in the near future: a young woman accompanied by a four-year-old little girl, who as Cindy Lauper said, "just wanted to have fun." I juggled for the little girl and the two older women present, because I crave attention, and little girls desire to be entertained. I think the women liked it, too. I let the girl and her Mom play with my juggling hackies when I was done making a fool of myself, and they had fun; certainly more fun than when I found them, the mother reading a book, and the girl babbling something only she understood or found important. She had a wide, beautiful smile. She reminded me of Brian and the innocently annoying imp he is about to become.
With all these ghosts of Christmas past and future, I shall certainly be watching for my distant-future self in the coming days. Will I bump into a happy, slightly odd and self-satisfied older gentleman, with a twinkle in his eye? Or will I come across a weary, beaten, humorless old husk of a human being, trudging his way toward the merciful, inevitable, merciless end?
Holy shit, I hope it's the former.