June 30th 12:16PM
Digital lobotomy
I ... I can't find my PDA ... I am lost. While grinding my teeth on vacation, I set my Palm down I-know-not-where, and now I cannot locate it. It better turn up soon, 'cuz I miss it.
My daughter reads well
I asked my daughter to pick two news stories out of the paper, and tell me about them, because I was concerned about her reading comprehension skills. I shouldn't have worried, as she gave me the who's and why's and details and I don't think I could have done better myself.
Reading is important, and I am proud that she reads and understands to a great degree. She's awesome.
June 28th 12:49PM
Light heavyweight
I weighed in at 218.5 on Monday. Lost another pound. That rocks! Here's to continued success - clink!
For thou art with me
My daughter flew out last Saturday. We are enjoying her company, and I am learning not to swear every other word.
Good neighbors make good fences. Or something like that.
This weekend looks like a lot of work, and I couldn't be looking forward to it more. We need to put up some fencing around the joint so the horses can roam free and happy, and the perimeter is freaking huge. This is one of several endeavors that without which, the house doesn't feel complete. This promises to be a gut-buster of a project. Kick ass.
June 26th 9:55AM
Turning the corner
It took me until Friday, but I finally found a comfortable place in my head. I just gave up on "doing" anything, and watched movies, played with my son, and noodled around the house. It's the only thing that's brought me any peace. I feel better.
Enough of that BS for now. On to important things...
Paul Winchell died
Who? Yeah, that guy. The voice of many animated characters, including Tigger (of Winnie the Pooh fame), Gargamel (from the Smurfs), and some others you'd recognize. It says here he invented and patented things, and studied acupuncture, hypnosis, as well as theology to help him through severe depression. What an interesting-sounding person.
June 23rd 12:52PM
Waah waah waah
I haven't gotten a damn thing done that I can be happy with. Not a day yet has been relaxing. What is my problem? If this isn't mental illness, Idon't know what is. I'd go jerk off, but I'd probably just screw that up, too. I'm getting sick of all this pessimism and angst in my blog. Fuck, who is this guy? It doesn't feel like me...
I need to cut loose.
June 20th 6:30AM
More fun than I expected
Yesterday, we took my wife's Dad and his wife and her aunt out to eat at the Outback. We've been trying to get them to join us at our favorite eatery for years, and they always turned us down. Last night they went, and they were not disappointed. Judie's 81-year old aunt even joined me in a shot of the Glenlivet, neat. Neat! I had an unexpectedly lively and enjoyable conversation with her, even though we'd never met before.
You call this a vacation?
Ach, I've spent much of the weekend working like an Egyptian slave. It's nice to have things accomplished, but it's not very relaxing. I must make up for it this week. Some ideas for the week:
- Draw
- Fiddle with my guitar
- Read
- Check out the gun range in Linden
- Reset fenceposts along 'mah proppity.' (How'd that get in here?)
June 18th 6:13AM
I saw this coming from miles away
It's the first day of my vacation, and already things are cropping up and growing hair. My ex-wife called last night and proposed that my daughter's upcoming visit be longer - like much much longer, more like permanent - than the month we planned.
Oh, there's gonna be some thinking, ruminating, talking and more thinking. Don't think I didn't know this was gonna happen, 'cause I did. But I still need to chew on it for a while. What a change that would be.
Psssst....
Hey. My birthday's tomorrow. Heh.
John Bizarre is my hero
If even half the events and conversations he describes are factually accurate, this guy is too smooth for this planet. Too much.
June 15th 7:49AM
Trip to Paris, priceless
Expedia reports it'll cost you $688 to get to Paris. Same as two weeks ago.
"It's CLOBBERIN' TIME!"
I've seen the Fantastic Four movie trailer a dozen times now. I thought I was paying attention, but last night, during the The Shield's season finale, I finally noticed that Michael Chiklis is The Thing?! Aw, that settles it, we're going to see this one. I sure hope it doesn't suck...
My daughter will be out just in time for this to release. Every year for a couple of years, we've had a super-hero flick to go see. Nice, since I'm partially responsible for her cultural development.
June 14th 7:49AM
It's COMING...
My birthday is coming up. I'm excited about it. I have no plan, but I do want to organize my time somewhat, even if it's to just arrange some good solid vegetating.
Arnold Schwarzenegger - a real action hero
Arnie is calling for a special election next year - a brisk slap in the state's legislative face, to sober it from the binge and hangover of Gray Davis and mistakes of the past. Oh, how I love it. See you in November.
June 12th 10:52AM
Does this look infected to you?
I got all inspired and bulled through some yard work this morning. The last thing I did was help my wife fix some broken drip-system heads in the bushy overgrowth of my side yard. For my trouble, I received the venomous gratitude of a palm-frond bush I kindly transplanted yesterday to save its pitiful life. Little bastard!
The pointed tip of a frond jabbed deeper into my forearm than I would have preferred. When I removed it, blood flowed down my arm. I haven't bled in a while, so I proudly pointed it out to my wife. I'm so macho. Soon, the bleeding stopped. Good. Then, the swelling started. Bad. So now, I have this Popeye-an subdermal knot about four inches above my wrist.
I should have stayed inside and studied my French. But my yard looks much better.
June 12th 7:55AM
Good, busy weekend
Last week, I weighed in at 221. Friday, I weighed 222. This morning, after moving my peripheral belongings around for most of the day, I weighed 219.5.
Chris, the gentleman from whom we bought this house, liberated the last of his belongings yesterday, prompting a flurry of initiative from my wife, carried out largely by me. Yegh.
We dragged our belongings out of the trailer that they've sat in for two weeks now, including largely unprotected during the rainstorm we had this week, dammit. Most everything has been soaked and sitting in the remaining standing water since then, and I grew more disappointed as I unloaded the thing. Ah well. It was a nice day anyway.
Je continue
My French isn't getting much better very fast, but I am still trying. I decided to reinvest $11 a month in the French TV and radio station offered by Dish Network. I used to have these before, and got sadly little use out of them. I am trying to get my money's worth out of them, because as weak as my writing skills are, they are positively brilliant compared to my speaking and listening skills. It's nice to hear what things are supposed to sound like.
I am also reviewing about the last ten chapters in my French textbook. I don't know whether I blazed through too fast, or didn't practice regularly enough, but I am having trouble using what I allegedly learned.
June 10th 2:55PM
Snapped out of it - for now
You'll be happy to know that I am breathing normally again, having finally dug my way out of my latest freak-out. I didn't think it was ever going to happen. I am now waiting for and living in fear of the next one. It's got to get better.
June 10th 12:25PM
Fed up
My latest push to learn and grow in my work is blowing up in my face. After a brief glimpse of forward movement, I am stuck in a tailspin of inability, and it's getting so I don't even want to look at this shit anymore.
I used to be able to consult with a friend I work with, but anymore his answers are impatient and half-hearted and he seems either tired of or disinterested in helping me. I shouldn't need his help. It irritates me that I can't move past this on my own. Besides that, his help isn't providing much help. I get the feeling our little relationship has drifted quietly past a turning point. What a shame. He's a good guy.
The fact that two client-based projects are being held up by this bullshit puts unneeded pressure on me, and I'm losing my grip.
A little bit of light would go a long way, but I am stymied at every turn, and cannot get any traction, make any breakthroughs. I can't remember the last time I felt so stupid, or had less enthusiasm for all this fancy, "gee-whiz" bullshit. I feel so incapable, incompetent, and powerless.
I need a vacation so fucking bad.
June 9th 12:55PM
Terror in my own backyard?
A few Lodi guys have been held for alleged terror connections and plotting to do Bad Things to me and my fellow Americans. I hope they get what they deserve, whatever that turns out to be.
There's something hilarious about the fact that one is an ice-cream truck driver, but I don't have time to fish for it. Oh, if only I was still doing stand-up...
Time magazine has an article about how the U.S. is ramping up P.R. campaigns in other countries. It's about damned time. This country and its people have a lot going for it, but are still reviled around the globe. Drives me nuts.
June 6th 7:24PM
Andrew freakin' rocks
Andrew Phelps, whose blog had been losing my enthusiasm of late (don't be offended, so has my own), has written some absolutely delicious entries about his time in France. I can totally relate to his experiences with language, including that of other tourists. When French is the highest obstacle you prepare for, and you run into a German or a Turk, the experience is amazing. Maybe it's the Scotch - soothing my wounded psyche - that is talking, but this is a touching, real post. What blogs are made for. Oh God, how I envy Andrew his youth and luck. Kiss her, you bastard! Do it for me!!
Bah - I am probably too easily swayed. If you read Andrew's post, he has a way of turning a simple encounter into a love-lorn near-epic moment.
God bless him, are there the makings of a writer that are more important?
June 6th 6:30PM
Put the knife down - a brain dump
Egads, today was horrible. It's all frustration and failure. I spent all day banging my head against a problem. Halfway through, I started all over... and doubled my problem. I ended up with two solutions, both flawed in different ways. Amazing.
I can take failure. But failure after failure, each one compressing my will more and more, it weighs on me. I go long enough without a success, it grates on my spirit. After a while, one begins to wonder what the fuck one is doing.
I am in a low point right now. It will get better, it always does. But for now, I am suffering the curse of not doing any-fucking-thing very well at all. My drawings - they look like doodlings of an arthritic mental patient. My French - worse than it's been since I began learning it. My pen-pal still writes, but I know sometimes he must wonder what kind of retard he's gotten mixed up with. My guitar - please. I feel a lumpy-headed victim of mad cow disease every time I pick the thing up.
The guitar, especially, is a clear example of my problems in this area. I've had no regular practice at any of these things. I cannot improve unless I devote time to a pursuit on a regular basis. And I never do.
But computers - web design and programming in particular - are supposed to be my specialty, for Christ's sake. I expect to have a fair degree of skill and ability. What's more, it's my job, and the tie between my ability and my livelihood (subconsciously, I think the words: "my life") put inordinate importance upon accomplishing this seemingly simple group of tasks that I failed at today.
Am I slipping?
I used to be able to pick up on things pretty quickly, with minimal instruction. I feel that I have the ability to do so still, but I have so much difficulty. Maybe that's why I buy and keep so many books - If I procure just the right learning material, find the right instruction - the right material makes all the difference - I can embrace the skill that fascinated me. It used to be that way; I wonder if it is anymore. Maybe it's my age. Maybe it's the booze. Maybe it's not true at all, and my attitude, my outlook, is the only thing holding me back. I still enjoy glimpses of brilliance.
Let go
Oh, how I want to snap during days like today. My muscles tense at nexii in my body - shoulders, the base of my spine and skull - an internal pressure builds, and I feel that I need to lash out. My eyes feel like they'll bulge out of my skull. A terrific warning sign that I am losing my perspective is that I itch. My skin starts to crawl and I scratch, and it's at this point I feel the urge to grab someone nearby and punch them in the face, just to see how it goes. Of course, it's unacceptable, and I would never do it. But the inclination, a giggling, provocative imp on my shoulder, is there, just then.
Best and worst of all, I know that I am the only fix for my problems. It's easy to see, if you think about it. Millions of people wake up every day, eating dirt, or laying naked and saying "I love you" to someone they despise, just to get by. I've got it pretty plush, by most standards. So what's the problem? Between my ears, of course. I do it to myself.
So?
Diagnosis? Simple. Treatment? I have no fricking clue. I've got to make a change; within, without, a combination of both, something. I have no idea what form it should take. But I need something.
I should delete all of this extemporaneous rambling. It can certainly be a troublesome record down the line somewhere. But fuck that - I feel better having written it, and one of the best functions of this blog is to serve as a signpost in my life, so that I can look back and see a clear marker as to what course the river of my life was taking at a given time. At some time in the future, I will be able to look back and know: "I felt like shit there for a while, and it was all in my head."
June 3rd 12:43PM
Notes from Paris, and more
Andrew Phelps is in France right now, in Paris, I think. He has a downright nifty moblog full of photos from Paris and London and other places. I smolder with jealousy. If I could have killed him, skinned him, and went to Paris in my own Andrew Phelps suit, I would have.
Nice contrast: Andrew was in Paris for the big 'non' vote last week, possibly a pivotal point in French and European history. I was in Paris for the big 'Governator' vote in California, not even remotely possibly a turning point in French history. I suck.
Comedy happenings
The good news: Lodi's Movie City is hosting a stand-up comedy night at 9:30pm this Saturday (I think), which is great news. I don't know if I'll make it to this show, but I ought to. Robert Duchaine healines the bill.
The bad news: It looks like low ticket sales are deep-sixing Gallagher's planned show in Stockton. Bummer. I didn't even know he was coming, until I knew he wasn't. I've seen his shows on TV, they're pretty funny.
June 3rd 7:57AM
The last of the holdouts
I was watching a recorded edition of 20/20, the ABC news magazine show. They were doing a rehashed report on Paris Hilton and the dubious notoriety that comes from having sexual activities unexpectedly broadcast across the Internet, when it hit me: I must be the only person in the country who has not seen Paris Hilton's, nor Pamela & Tommy's Lee's, home videos.
I have no interest in seeing Paris Hilton's skank vid in particular. I never knew who she was before she banged the he-skank in the grainy night-vision flick, and I still don't care. It bothers me that when searching for information and TV shows about "Paris" that her name comes up, but not quite as much as I thought it would.
June 2nd 7:50AM
Mon dieu!
Expedia says their best price for a trip to Paris is $688! That's almost double what it was just a few short months ago. I seem to remember just over $400...
June 2nd 7:49AM
Weighing in
I clocked myself at 223 yesterday. That's good, I think.
June 1st 7:49AM
Breathe
It's been a strenuous few weeks now, and I am glad the last couple of days have loosened up just a bit.
Joe wrote me back with some helpful advice that was well worth the wait. Thanks, dude!
Bourne-ography
I watched The Bourne Supremacy in portions, as time allowed on Monday. A very good movie, almost as good as the first. I left the French subtitles on for the last half of it, and enjoyed trying to keep up with them. Pedagogical.
I am proud of myself for having found a play on words using the title character's name that wasn't based on the word "born." It doesn't take much to keep me happy.