December 31th 3:33PM
You're in MY world - you know that, right?
We went to the local grocery store for goodies to consume during tonight's revelry. There must be something in the air down there, because the dipshit-to-normal-human ratio was way off the chart. Considering that the store aisles are precisely two shopping carts wide, it is troublesome but forgivable that these glassy-eyed bovines occasionally wander from the herd, park their cart sideways, and then stand directly beside it, jamming all flow from both directions.
What's not to be tolerated is the sheer number of goggle-eyed morons who became lost in their own world and unconsciously pulled this little logistical parlor trick at nearly the same time, in nearly the same place. It's like the Galactic Brotherhood of the Narcissistically Stupid called a convention at the Mar-Val in Valley Springs, and I was just in time for the opening ceremony.
I swear on all that is ignorant and thoughtless, one Filipino woman came mere millimeters from T-boning me with her shopping cart, and there would have been flaming, shrieking Hell to pay. I'm usually a pretty understanding sort, but this same woman insisted on provoking me more than once with the aforementioned stop-and-gawk maneuver. We're both lucky I didn't slap her on the back of her unusually flat head, and ask her just what the hell she was staring at that could be nine feet off the ground?? She wasn't even looking at grocery products - just staring at some point between the top of the shelves and the ceiling, like she was receiving new transmissions from the Big Giant Head.
We managed to get home without my correcting every vacant-gazed humanoid's fragmented idea of courtesy. But really, who better to do so than I?
December 31th 6:45AM
I know just what you mean
I share a lot of sentiment with this post by Petite Anglaise.
December 31th 6:19AM
Party
My wife's friend invited us to a birthday/New Year's party tonight, and we're looking forward to it. I plan to take my balloon animals and entertain any toddler or toddling drunk who looks interested. I have taught myself to make a double-duty balloon animal, so that it's at once both a perfectly respectable balloon-doggie, but you turn it over and its quite phallic. "You like the doggie, junior? Maybe your Mommy will kiss the doggie on his nose...? Kiss it! Kiss it!!"
I plan on doing that until I get beat up tonight.
So far, I can make dogs, phalli, flowers... That's about it. For now.
December 29th 7:10AM
King of the Dickheads - behold, my crown
My wife and I went shopping the other day, and I made a purchase I can be proud of. For about $15, I secured a bag of 144 twisting (balloon animal) balloons, and a pump to inflate them. I had it all of one day before I figured out how to make something dirty with it.
Days later, the pump's gone missing, and I'm concerned that my wife has hidden it from me, to preserve her dignity, as well as mine. I hope it turns up. I've got much more stuff to make.
December 28th 4:06PM
I should be drinking now
Yesterday, I felt really good, pretty much all day. I felt young, I felt energetic, I had a gleam in my eye for a change. The reason was that I didn't drink the night before. Even though I typically don't exceed two or three in a night, even that reasonable amount seems to leech the energy and spark out of me the next day. This isn't some revelation; I've recognized the effect for years.
Anyhoo, I usually crack a cold one right about now. I also usually loosen any dietary discipline sometime thereafter, and usually don't have the energy or clarity of mind to pursue any hobbies or interests, either. You'd think I'd get sick of that, and sometimes I do, but mainly it's the slightly wrung-out feeling the next day that bothers me the most. Not a real hangover - no headache, no nausea. Just a minor, pervasive ache and zero zest for life. Eck, what fun is that minor misery?
On the other hand, I'm frigging bored stiff when I'm not getting stiff. What the hell am I supposed to do with myself? I guess I'll find something.
Sobriety would be a lot more attractive if it were a little more fun. Bah.
December 28th 8:37AM
So far, so good
It's December 28th, and I am happy to report that no one has crashed their anything into my anything. My car remains in the driveway most of the time, as something broke loose on the way to the airport last week, something not very important in and of itself, but something dangerous to have flapping around the undercarriage at 70 mph. I had to lay on the shoulder and burn up our cushion of time cutting loose this flapping hazard, and I am not looking forward to doing it again if I can help it, so the Hybrid is homebound, for now.
I'd like to dump it at a body shop and tool around in a Triple-A-sponsored rental, but you try finding a compact rental during the holiday season, and see how far you get, fella.
Yesterday's gone
Yesterday was a good day. Rather than chasing my wife's to-do list, as I have for the last week or so, I pursued my own, with some renewed optimism and vigor. I followed up some loose BNI ends, cleaned up around some of the junkier parts of the homestead, and puttered about in some other stuff that felt meaningful at the time.
I also read about two pages from Thoreau's "Walden" and just dig it the most. Man, that stuff is like butter, put to music. Or something.
John Bizarre is off his meds this holiday season
John doesn't like Journey or their fans. It's a joy to watch him fray and come apart at the seams.
Colon cancer and Galt - deviously related?
In other words, my Dad has started his own blog. I take all of the credit and none of the blame for encouraging him to do so. May God help us all.
December 25th 6:20AM
Stuff keeps happening
Did I mention that last Tuesday, when I took my daughter to the airport, I was rear-ended on the return trip by a shifty Asian man with no ID and no proof of insurance? No? Well, I was.
My car is fated to have more and more of its original parts stripped away, to be replaced by after-market parts. It is becoming the Joan Rivers face of the automobile world.
Merry Christmas
My wife and son and I spent some time at her Dad's house yesterday, and I was happy to be warmly received by his wife most of all. She has made our trips much more enjoyable these last several months by being pleasant to be around. I'm very impressed.
Today, we stay home and let Brian open presents, and hopefully just have a good day.
Get to work
I have not been taking enough initiative for the last few weeks in web design. I need to work more, and work harder.
December 20th 8:51AM
Stuff happens
Eesh, it's been a while since I posted. Since I don't feel a post burning its way through me and onto the screen, I'll do what I always do in this situation, and dully recount recent events to catalogue personal history, hoping something interesting is exhumed along the way. Here's hopin':
Car Talk
Last week I managed to destroy my front bumper while backing out of a driveway. It's not easy being me, but I manage, somehow. So there's some insurance work in my future.
Then, a day or two later, My wife drove her truck down the slope in our back yard to deliver hay to its final resting place, and due to recent rains, we just couldn't get the damned thing back up the hill. We got agonizingly, tantalizingly close, but no cigar. We even strapped on some tire "chains" (cables, actually) made for snow travel, and they were spectacularly ineffective. But I got to roll around in the mud like a lovesick hog (not a stretch for me, when you think about it) for a few hours, attaching and reattaching them, which really made my frickin' day! Gahh!
We finally called upon our road service membership, and the thing was winched out within 20 minutes.
My daughter
Yesterday was my daughter's birthday, and she's now officially a teenager. My Dad and Denise took us all out to dinner at a fancy-schmancy place in Manteca called Isadore's. How fancy? Well, I'll tell you - when a food fight broke out, I, an innocent lamb in this fracas, was splattered with escargot juice by Denise, my Dad's fiancee. You know a place is swank when your dinner hostess plies you with an elegant French delicacy.
Show Us Your Booze
At this place, which boasts house specialties like Sex in a Pan and Silk Panties, it occurred to me to wonder about something with Seinfeldian wistfulness: What is the deal with raunchy drink names? My Dad got a good chuckle by asking the waiter to explain Sex in a Pan to my 13-year-old daughter, and I certainly have no problem with that; a good time was had by all.
But must every drink order be a naughty transgression? From 'Sex on the Beach' and the 'Slippery Nipple,' I'm afraid to order anything at the bar anymore, much less profess a liking for it. Does ordering a Harvey Wallbanger make me a deviant? Even my beloved Heineken is skirts the edge of decency, its first syllable dangerously close to Heinie. Come to think of it, Austin Powers brought that gag to international attention with "Hands off my Heinie, baby!" I wish I had gotten there first, but oh well.
With the above liquid embarrassments and two shots of the ultra-masculine and Scottishly-named "The Glenlivet" fueling my imagination, I immediately extrapolated the next decade in drinkology, picturing myself at the local tavern and asking a burly, moustachioed glass-wiper: "How do you make a 'Stinky Sanchez?' Is 'The Felcher' any good? What exactly is in a 'Finger Up Your Ass?' Aw... better just gimme a 'Greek Bathhouse,' and call it a night." Then again, it's cheaper than phone sex...
Here today, gone tomorrow
In about an hour, I depart for Sacramento, taking my daughter to fly to her mother's for a period of time. Then, it's just the three of us. With Michelle off some due to weather, it should be a cozy week.
Low fat
I weighed in at 198 today; surprising, since I cut loose a bit yesterday. Good for me. I continue to have meal replacement shakes for breakfast, and it seems to help, although my 36-inch waist pants feel a bit snug. But they fit!!
December 14th 4:39PM
BNI guy
I have a BNI presentation tomorrow. I have a little something prepared. I hope it doesn't come out stupid. But screw it if it does - it won't be worse than the non-events that the unprepared have occasionally sprung upon us. At least I did something.
Some French today
I had demoted myself two chapters in my used and old textbook, since I rushed through them in the past in an ill-advised and desperate attempt to progress at any cost. I went back and studied the aforementioned in/direct objects. I've moved on, and took in some TV5, (pronounced: "tay vay sank") the French channel I get on Dish Network. I watch mostly the news, when I watch anything at all. I don't often allow myself the time, one of the stupider decisions I make regarding my priorities. Usually, I record two or three shows per week, and delete them when it becomes obvious I won't watch them before their next weekly episode appears.
I watch the news and pick up every fifth or tenth word. It troubles me that I'm not any sharper, although I know it's better than every twentieth word. Still, I look forward to a time where I am smoother and quicker, and can honestly answer my wife's question, "What did he just say?"
At once, I feel like an outsider to some country club, and I desperately want to belong. On the other hand, I suspect that their news broadcasts are as tedious and dull as our own, and I feel a little better. Then I bounce back, and realize that they focus on stories and footage that we'd never see here, like Paul Martin's recent speech. Just little things, but a different angle, certainly. Nothing wrong with different angles.
December 14th 6:39AM
I'm not gay, but for John Bizarre I'd be willing to learn
December 13th 7:23AM
Mokelumne River photos
The photo gallery of our very brief visit to a point on the Mokelumne is up. I didn't come close to capturing the placidity of the scene. The rocks were like glass, smooth (and treacherous to walk on!). The water was still and clear and deep in a pool about forty feet in diameter. Mossy rocks rose from the water and sloped up the hill on the far side, and the river wound its way into the unknown a few dozen feet upstream. Awesome.
My son insisted on toddling along the slippery and steep-sloped rocks, preventing me from doing much but safeguarding his gigantic but vulnerable noggin from blunt force trauma, and his lungs from a sudden and chilling drowning.
My daughter was a joy to have around, and helped me out a lot. She actually enjoyed herself, which I was glad for. I bore her a lot.
December 13th 6:23AM
Unrelated notes
- I weighed in at 198.5 today. That makes all the restraint worth it, even though my favorite thing is to cut loose on cookies and milkshakes. Oh, how I miss them. In Heaven, I will surround myself with Nutter Butters and double-chocolate-malteds.
- My daughter is battling back against a poor math grade, and I am proud of her for the effort. Algebra sucks, and we are genetically geared not to get it, but it can be done.
- I got to trudge through some French yesterday. I struggle with direct and indirect objects, and when I work this hard just to muddle through, I know that I will not retain the lessons well in the future, but try I must. It's funny, I learned English quite well without learning the names of all these language components: imperatives, indirect objects, possessives, past participles. Yuck. Hopefully someday my mastery of French will be as complete and effortless as my English.
December 11th 4:45PM
Ramblin' around Calaveras
My daughter and I went fiddlin' around the area today, seeking out any areas of natural beauty and interest. We were near the end of our journey when we stumbled across the north fork of the Mokelumne River on Highway 26. Right under the Highway bridge, there is a beautiful pool that sprouts from a shallow rocky trickle, and turns back into one a few yards later. But, the pool is calm, quiet, and absolutely gorgeous. Photos to follow soon.
Feed my soul
"What do you want to be when you grow up?" It's a question that's always haunted me, and I've never even felt any certainty in considering it. Always, I've had difficulty separating the things I can do from the things I love doing. It's an unusual form of brain damage I endure. I think that's starting to change.
I am beginning to understand what I enjoy. I enjoy the French language and culture. I enjoy being unusual, and garnering others' attention therefrom. I like writing, and using words like "therefrom." And swear words. I delude myself into thinking it makes me a diverse writer. If in fact I can be further delusional, considering myself a writer. But I digress.
I feel a coalescing urge to ramp up my French studies, and do something along that line in the years to come. I had such an urge this weekend to become a flight attendant exclusively for flights to and from France, that I would have packed my shit and headed for the airport without question or consideration, had the opportunity presented itself.
I could also be easily persuaded into street performing, distracting gawking children and bored adults with juggling, music, humor, theatre, playing with fire and whatever a creative person can develop.
Conspicuously absent from the lineup of heart-wants is web design. I like it, but it does not bring me the joy for which I obviously yearn. It has technical requirements, artistic components, and a diversity of parts that make up the whole of any capable web designer, but for some reason it just doesn't do it for me. I suspected this going into web design, that I was taking up a pursuit that may not be my heart's vocational desire; at the same time, I couldn't afford to sit around skillless until my tardy epiphany crept upon me, as it finally, 10 years later, appears to be doing.
But web design will do the trick for the medium-term, the next few years. I'm glad to be able to do something useful until I find the "groove" I search for. I hope to Hell I do find it. This lost feeling is cold and troubling. On the other hand, this pervasive discomfort is the only sufficient impetus to rouse me from my lazy, trudging stupor I am only too happy to otherwise personify. Without it, I would quietly follow a paycheck to the nuthouse or a pathetic grave, ignoring the shining good examples and horrible, screaming, flashing, pulsating, oscillating, strobing warning signs scattered so liberally in my path.
December 10th 7:21AM
Glacial change
Over the past year or so, I've noticed that my relationship with my Dad has become what I've wanted it to be, what it should have been all long. It's odd that it's taken this long, and I had truly given up on it ever happening at all.
Growing up, it was terrible. It was all conflict and intimidation and avoidance. My mother had always tried to whitewash over the consternation, telling us and herself that everybody loved everybody, and "your father loves you, he's just tired, stressed (or my personal favorite:) 'emotionally crippled.'" Ah yes, he's the victim. Poor fella. Nobody bought that, but it seemed important to her to push the illusion for as long as possible. She always wanted us to get along, and so desperately.
I remember about ten years ago, when the fog of adolescence began to clear, my brother and my father and I had a conversation in my brother's backyard, and I just asked my Dad, "Can't we be friends? Do you even want to?" The answer was a bit rambling, overly prefaced and disclaimed, but overall: "No."
And so it went for years longer. But lately, things have turned between me and him. We talk, we e-mail, we get together. He is encouraging and offers advice wherever he can, as radical a departure as if he were to start wearing a dress and call himself "Myrna." Odd, but welcome.
I don't know what prompted the change. We were good kids, all in all; we got into some trouble, but we were never out to hurt anybody. Certainly, we were worthy of being loved. I have to guess that the answer lies with him. If I've changed in some way as to pave the way for this transition, I'm not aware of it, but good for me anyway.
Things are better now, and I hope they stay that way. Unfortunately, as things improved for me, they worsened for my brother. Their relationship has shriveled and waned as mine has flourished, and it's very unfortunate. My brother and I have both hardened ourselves where possible so as to not feel the need for a father figure so badly, but that steeling is not complete, and is certainly not sufficient replacement for the presence we lacked. Maybe someday it will work out. It can happen, I guess.
December 7th 1:03PM
e-Card improvement
I applied for a real job yesterday. While polishing my résumé for the act, I realized a few things.
One, I've done some pretty cool stuff by now. I tend to forget that.
Two, I've let my e-Cards lag a bit. Since they were moved to their current host service, they needed some basic tweaking to get them working again. I finally did that today.
Also noted is the need to remove the "D.I. Hartman Get Well Soon" card. It's not meant for all audiences, and now that I'm stumping for cash and employment, that can be relegated to a personal area.
It also reminded me to use these past accomplishments to push forward. I should develop some new e-Cards. The current ones are a little silly, a characteristic that was intentional, but it could be tempered with less-humorous additions.
Ideas lend themselves to the task. Good stuff.
December 7th 6:34AM
Paris is calling, but I'm not listening
Expedia, via its crafty e-mail reminder, tells me that I can score a round-trip ticket to Paris for $433. But first, we must figure out how to pay the mortgage this month. Yeesh.
December 6th 6:59AM
Damn close
My bathroom scale is having a bit of fun with me. I stepped on it this morning (I know it's not wise to monitor your weight everyday), and it read 199! Incredulous, I took a few more readings, all of which were 200.5, which ain't nothing to sneer at. But the thought of cracking 200 is appealing. Very appealing indeed.
December 5th 11:21AM
Less food = better mood
I started taking this meal replacement shake (think Slim Fast) instead of breakfast, in order to work on my appetite/weight problem. The first day I took it, I felt great! I presume that it's because eating less food puts less strain on my digestive system, leaving me with more energy overall. Less food = more energy? Counterintuitive, but it may be true. It also occurs to me that breakfast may be the dumbest meal to replace with a meal replacement shake, as it's the other meals I have trouble binging on. Oh well, it's got me eating somewhat less and thinking more about what I eat, so it can't be all bad.
Did I mention I weighed in at 202 even today? I'm sure some of that loss was water weight, but WTF.
Big Trees
I convinced my wife to drive us to Big Trees State Park yesterday, where we had a marginally good time. It was cold, and my son was completely inconsolable, throwing a 2-hour fit, which dragged the mood of the entire expedition down. My daughter and I explored a bit, I took some pictures, and we left earlier than I wanted to. It was okay, but no better than that.
I had thought we were moving closer to the mountains when we moved from Manteca to Valley Springs, but it's not working out that way. Since the highways out here are not gridlike and efficiently laid out, Big Trees and other destinations are about the same distance and time apart as they were for a Valley-spawned trek. Unfortunate.
Survivorman
I do hope to get out more and explore the woody areas more than before. I've been watching a Discovery Channel show called "Survivorman," where the Canadian Les Stroud gets dumped off at various life-threatening and remote locations, and take the goal of either reaching a destination or simply not dying for a week. It's a good show, and makes me want to go live like a caveman for a while.
December 1st 5:49PM
Interesting times
What a day.
First, I did a fair job in subbing as the Acting President for the Tokay Chapter of BNI. Our regular President was very ill, and I took the reigns for the second time. I had fun with it, and did a serviceable job.
Then, whilst holding court at the Field of Beans café, I apparently parked in a forbidden area, and got my mother-lovin' car towed. Sweet Jesus, that was the low point of my day, and I swore more in an hour than I usually do all week. I am now over it, but it really sucked.
I then moved on to some real work, and got to a stopping point on a doable-yet-haunting assignment, the completion of which made me feel much better.
My wife is finishing up some duck breast for me now, and I am as aware as ever how lucky I am to be living this life. Oh, I feel good tonight.