August 30th 12:22PM
How I ache
Normally, I'd refer you to the webcam at www.abcparislive.com and be done with it, but by the time you read this, the moment will have passed. With the sun descending, the waning rays of light sliding across the rust-hued surface of the Eiffel Tower and off into the distance, hundreds of tourists mill about, taking in the towering grandness of the one of the world's best-known landmarks in the romantic City of Light.
Look at it! How can you be unaffected by the lazily tranquil atmosphere created by the mixture of fading sunlight and advancing shadow?! Can't you just feel the rough, warm surface of the stone structure at the base of the tower, as it cools from the day's illumination? Huh? Can'tcha??
I am moved deeply by imagining the pre-dusk, late-summer experience under the tower and by my own memories there, as I was awed by the hugeness of the structure, and by the very fact that I made it there at all. Such a departure from anything I thought I would ever do. I am still awed.
Why am I still here...? I should be there.
The betrayal of Joe C.
In my daily reads, I noticed that Joe Crawford characterizes my recent blog activity as less France, and more introspection. Well, I've gone and blown that, haven't I? Ah well, I've made liars out of other men, too.
My kid is cute
I was watching my son briefly this morning before work. For months, he has realized that music makes him want to shake his booty, but since he's usually sitting on it, he waggles his head and rakes his hands around and back and forth, grooving. This morning, and not by design, I'm sure, he poked his little left index finger out into the air, and boogied his little baby boogie with one outstretched finger, like a little rock star. It was one of those moments you wish you could capture forever. So dang cute.
I realize this last section is one of those sickening, self-indulgent observations that only parents make, and only parents care about. And it doesn't bother me at all.
August 29th 7:49AM
Weighty matters
I am tipping the scale yet a little less lately, weighing in at 209 even on Saturday morning, down half a pound from the previous week.
Weekend condition
And this was before the start of a weekend where my wife inflicted upon me a relentless list of honey-do's. Since it was her birthday on Saturday, she justified her ruthless slave driving by slipping the word: "birthday" in front of every chore. First, she asked sweetly: "Will you take out the garbage? It's my birthday you know..." Before long, it was: "Will you unload this truckload of Birthday Hay?" I imagined the end of the day would find her chasing me through the house, shrieking: "Birthday!! Birthday!! Birthdaaaay!!" and me sprinting away with my hands over my ears. It didn't come to that.
We did some other awesome stuff:
I got a horse. Odd as it is, we were given a horse. This one is older and allegedly docile, making a good horse "for Tom to ride," because I am so unskilled and a incapable when it comes to equine know-how. "My" new horse is named Rocky, and he is significantly underweight, such that our farrier recommended we put 50 pounds on him before I try to burden him with my spine-kinking heft. Normally, I would have refrained from adding yet another animal to our herd, but he was a gift, and I am told that we can make other arrangements if he doesn't work out. I don't mind, and it is kind of nice to have an animal of my own, especially since I'm not primarily responsible for his care.
We found an awesome little hideaway on the back side of Hogan Reservoir, that apparently few people know about. That's a good thing, because it's small, and populated by some very cute and skittish frogs, and too much human presence would likely ruin their little nirvana they've got going there. As it was, my wife and children and I spent an hour or two there, with only one small group of fishermen for company, and they were out of sight around the next bend. As we left, I taught my daughter about "leaving it better than you found it," and together we cleaned up some beer cans and other junk.
Such a nice little place - I took some snapshots with my camera-phone, but I cannot e-mail them to myself, for some stupid reason. Ah well, it'll just have to remain a secret.
Finally, I took a few hours to get my shit together in general, paying bills, organizing paperwork and basically safeguarding my sanity. It was nice to file things away for when we need them, and in doing it, I scored some quiet personal time. It was the most pleasant chore of the day.
August 26th 12:49PM
France on my mind
Personal footnote: I have had so little zero time for any non-critical
pursuit, including the study of the the French language. But beyond that,
some French things have managed to pierce my harried and bewildered consciousness:
- Another Paris hotel fire has claimed the lives of over a dozen poor black immigrants.
- The image I now have posted on my desktop, a webcam of a Parisian cityscape that refreshes throughout the day, shows the clearest atmosphere that I've seen there in weeks, showing clearly la Defense and what I think is the Pompidou Center. Of course, the Eiffel and Montparnasse Towers are distinctly visible, but that's not unusual for this shot. Nice.
- I've been trying to watch a soccer match that I taped an entire week ago, PSG vs. Troyes. Naturally, I always root for PSG (Paris St. Germain), although I've never been a big soccer fan. In my head, it translates into a French cultural endeavor, with which one can drink beer! Right up my alley.
My mind on the fritz
My mood continues to improve, and that improvement has, as they say, begun to pay dividends. I think the people around me are happier, and so am I, to some extent.
Besides that though, life has been hectic to an unprecedented degree. I forgot to put the garbage out on garbage day. Did I pay that bill? And where are my keys??
I used to be on top of these things, and I refuse to believe it's a matter of age. I've got to regain my mastery of details. It's very unsettling to have lost it, and I want it back, dammit.
August 25th 12:49PM
The pest control Gods smile upon us today
For the first time in days, we awoke to an ant-less kitchen. Plus, we sent another mouse to Hell. Things are looking up.
Ch-ch-ch-changes...
I have removed the PHP hit tracking from my site's web pages, thereby removing about 90% of the need for these pages to be PHP-enabled. If you happen to try a page that doesn't exist, try ensuring the filename is ".html," not ".php." If you happen to find a link that doesn't work, be a dear and e-mail me with the page and which link was found not to work.
Mo' changes
I am nervous at the prospect of big changes in my life coming up. I had hoped to finagle a place at the BNI table and trade upon some selfless efforts from the past in the hopes that they would save me some fees. I found out today that they won't do me a bit of good. Crap. Looks like I'll be paying full-fare. I am daunted, but undeterred. Here's hoping the investment will pay off.
August 22nd 12:49PM
Pests
For the last several days, we've been besieged by ants in the kitchen, and mice in the garage. It's very annoying.
We set out traps for the mice yesterday, and already snagged one this morning. I felt bad for his furry, wriggling butt as he hopelessly struggled against his heartless chemical restraint. But, I'm glad he's not eating my belongings and spreading disease and filth, too.
If we could trap the ants as easily, I'd be a happy man, indeed.
August 22nd 7:49AM
The downward slide continues
And I'm not just talkin' about work. I weighed in at 209.5 on Saturday. Down another two pounds. Nice.
Bizarre dreams
I had a very weird dream last night, in two parts.
In the first, I dreamt that we visited our old block in Manteca, and three or four houses across the street from the one we lived in had been razed and a drive-through burger joint was being built. Odd.
In the second part, I accidentally stumbled upon my wife's elaborate, expensive and clandestine plot to secure a gift for my birthday. She had secretly spent $8,000 to buy into a stand-up comedy club, making us part owners. Oooh, it was a dandy place, too, with a gorgeous showroom stage, and beautifully furnished living area and green room for the talent. Thrilling.
August 21st 8:31AM
Great weekend so far
This weekend is cookin'. I've done and been part of lots of good stuff:
- I helped my wife prepare to hostess her niece's baby shower.
- I helped her do some other crap that required manly muscle.
- I worked to help an Internet compatriot develop his online presence. Dollar Bill, y'all.
- I played some HORSE (a basketball game, for the uninitiated) with my wife and daughter, who gave me a serious run for my money.
- I drank beer and juggled, and it's as much fun as it sounds. I can teach you.
It's better
My mood, my outlook, my life have been better of late. I have been trying so hard to cut the straps on this load I've been carrying in my head. What has finally worked is not trying to do anything in particular at all, but to simply let go. Stop caring about every single thing that isn't perfect. For most people it's simple, but not for me. For the last couple of weeks I have been blissfully far from the ragged edge of desperation, and it's really working out well. This might work out after all.
August 19th 7:49AM
Silva and Phipps, the Dynamic Duo
I had an interesting experience in my BNI chapter yesterday. I was the subject of (I may not be saying this right) an energy therapy session from one of my fellow members, a practitioner of spiritual services. It was very different from my tongue-biting experience of a year ago, in a few ways:
- I know Paula, and trust her.
- If she had lit my feet on fire and begun beating me with a severed chicken leg, I would have went along with it. Paula puts me at ease.
- I was expecting it.
- My last experience was something of an ambush. Yesterday, I had agreed in advance to "help" with the presentation; much in the way that a turkey helps with Thanksgiving dinner. Kidding.
- I didn't have to do much.
- Rather than lightly striking myself in the forehead and chanting, which felt every bit as silly as it sounds, I lay out on a table and let her do what she came to do.
- The end of the session wasn't based on my "progress" and approval of the work.
- If Paula had stood over me requiring that I felt better and pronounced it so before she'd let me off the table, this would be a different post.
During my time on the table, Paula announced to a roomful of people much the "feedback" she got from, uh, what, "reading my chakras?" Whatever you call it, she peeled off some very accurate stuff.
Afterwards and quietly, so as to preserve my privacy and modesty, she hit me with some other stuff that is more accurate than I care to admit.
I have to be honest and say that I didn't feel significantly different than I would have after any other good lie down and sincere chat with a trusted friend, but I was impressed with how correct her observations were. The end result is it feels helpful and useful to talk to her, and I have a positive attitude toward doing it again.
Cue the spooky music and the fog machine
I just went and double-checked the link (above) to last year's blog entry. It's slightly disturbing that last year's blog entry and this year's are a year and a day apart, for very similar experiences. If I were more insightful and observant, I'd read more into it. But I'm not.
Hell, I haven't even gotten to the Silva portion of the day.
I was lucky enough to talk to Joe Silva, who for some reason, cares what I do with my life. He had a great idea that I will not divulge here, but it meshed nicely with some of the ideas and impulses I've been developing lately. I'm glad he called, and it's given me some things to consider.
Joe S. is positive, gregarious, and apparently fearless. He inspires me because I used to be that way, but with time and dedication, I have learned not to be. I want to be like Joe.
August 18th 12:49PM
I want my virginity back, while you're at it
Manteca's swindling ex-councilman David Macedo, who was forced to resign in shame and pleaded guilty to soliciting a bribe in 2002, has asked the SJ County judge to change his guilty plea to not guilty. Suh-weet!
Not only did the corrupt civil servant not have to do any time, now he wants to make like it never happened. What kind of world do people live in?
Isn't it part of consequences, part of punishment, that we have to live with the decisions we've made? Because I'll tell ya, if that isn't the case anymore, I've got a whole laundry list of "uh-oh's" that I'd like to repeal like the safety recall on my Honda:
- I want my un-broken heart and my innocence back from my ex-wife (she can keep my virginity, I didn't want it anyway)
- I want that nice, black 1978 Monte Carlo from my stupid, lazy, ungrateful teenage self
- I want my brain cells and clarity of thought back from Heineken
He's supposed to get the judge's decision back on September 1st. If he can get his good name back, I want my shit back, too. I'm waiting...
"Back to School." Yeesh, what a horrible thought
I get to take my daughter to a Back to School Night tonight. I am looking forward to it, as I would like to be aware of (if not active in) her scholastic life. I feel positive about meeting her teachers. God knows I had enough trouble with my own school years.
August 15th 12:49PM
BNI SOL
I had petitioned my boss to allow me to take the Vice President role in my BNI Tokay chapter in Lodi. Unfortunately, it was decided that I should not seek any position on the Leadership Team in my chapter.
In a sense, I should be relieved, because I care how the chapter does, and I can only control a very small amount of its progress, so sometimes I get freaked out when I think more should be done in one way or another. In another sense though, I am certainly disappointed. At least two people I like and respect have encouraged me to participate, and because of their interest I found it appealing. Now I have to turn them down, and it's a bitch.
August 13th 7:22AM
More progress
I weighed in at 211.5 this morning, down two pounds from last check. I rock.
August 12th 7:49AM
Honk if you're hybrid
I am thrilled to see hybrid cars being not only mentioned, but promoted in mainstream media like the radio and television and newspapers., It helps that there is legislation in place that allows them to use carpool lanes (see above link). I've been zipping around happily in a hybrid Honda Civic for a couple of years now, and it's about time you people realized I was right.
It's also entertaining to see that writers have differing views on them. Anne Howland at the Ottowa Sun writes exuberantly about her virgin ride in the fuel-thrifty and price-extravagant Toyota Prius. She takes a newbie approach ('Wow, you don't have to plug it in!'). Get with it, baby.
An editor at the St. Petersburg Times is either willfully ignorant or dishonest, I'm not sure which. First, he disdainfully compares the Honda Accord hybrid to its "its four-cylinder, [gasoline-T.B.] conventional counterpart" noting that it gets the same mileage as if he's won a prize for his cleverness. Well, yeah, I suppose it's actually a good thing if you can get a 6-cylinder car to achieve 4-cylinder mileage, isn't it? Next, he compares regretfully that hybrid cars cost sooo much more than conventional vehicles, and in the very next breath, he admits that there are significant tax breaks involved in purchasing a new hybrid vehicle.
The SP editor is right on a couple of points, mainly that it's unfortunate that the hybrid trend is being bastardized to mitigate SUV's and burgeoning horsepower, rather than make normal-sized cars more environment-friendly and gas-sparing. I'll go with him on that, but then, I'm used to my little utopias not being embraced by others. He can get over it, too. Someday we'll learn.
August 11th 7:49AM
Long overdue
There is a mortgage broker in my BNI chapter who I have been horribly remiss in not bragging on more than I have. Her name is Kelly Holbrook, and she is awesome. "A mortgage consultant," you say? What could be so exciting?
Glad you asked. I'll tell you.
When my wife and I decided to buy a new house, we needed her services. Kelly was totally on top of things, the mistress of her domain. She impressed us by being knowledgeable, conversant in all aspects of the loan and the loan process. I never caught her unprepared with any of my questions, all borne of sheer ignorance.
But where she really shined was being available and caring enough to keep things on track and under control. For reasons not related to her, our transaction had a few trouble spots. Kelly was always available, and always helpful. And when it came time to sign the final documents, my and my wife's work schedules were difficult to accommodate, but Kelly came through by meeting us outside of her normal work hours. It made all the difference. I don't think we could have done it without her.
If Kelly wore tights and a flapping cape behind her, it wouldn't be out of character for the job that she did. I wish I had noted this back in April, when her help was truly crucial, but it was a crazy time, and I just didn't do it. Kelly rocks.
August 9th 7:49AM
Did it.
I have collected one official convert, evidenced by an e-mail pledge to follow Arnold Schwarzenegger into the gates of Hell. Thanks, dad.
It can't go on like this, can it?
I am plagued by the shifting sands of my betters' uncertain expectations. I feel my shoulders tighten and a knot swell in my skull when I come within 10 yards of the place. I have been here before, and I thought I had learned to never go back. And yet I trudge on.
There must be better paths for me. Fun. Adventure. Fulfillment. Simple satisfaction. Riches? Secondary. Surely, they are out there, waiting for me, but where? How will I find them? I am certain they will not find me here, in any event.
Reunited at last
Thanks to a quick shipper on eBay, I am the ecstatic and relieved recipient of a new-to-me Palm m105 PDA. O, how I rejoice at the digital organization of all my life's loose ends, which become a little looser with each passing day. I still mourn the loss of my original m100, but with it's bigger brother, I am free to exploit additional memory. Now, I can begin to heal.
August 8th 12:49PM
Do it.
Action
My daughter put together a script for a parody of a foot cream commercial, and we started shooting some video for it yesterday. I even got to ham it up, as I am an “actor” in the piece. Should be fun to produce.
August 5th 7:49AM
Papa's got a brand new PDA
It didn't take me long - I went and found relief on eBay, putting down the last-minute ninja-bid on a like-new Palm m105, just like my old one, but with 4x the memory. Oh, how I cannot wait for it to arrive.
"I'll be back" - in November
Arnold Schwarzenegger is working on four initiatives to improve California and rap the knuckles of special interest groups and politicians alike. I'll be backing his play this November, and you should, too.
Bank robbers hit BofW
Wow, this makes me homesick. Not!
Two guys robbed the Bank of the West, and according to the Manteca Bulletin: "After demanding money, the pair fled with T-shirts covering their heads..." No word yet on whether they'll be tagged "The Beavis and Butthead Bandits," or whether they handed the teller a note demanding "teepee for my bunghole."
Manteca's going straight to Hell. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. We're lucky we got out when we did.
Backsliding
I weighed in at 213.5 this morning, up one pound. Must try harder.
August 4th 12:49PM
I miss it
I lost my PDA almost two months ago. I miss my Palm so so so much. I am having to write things down on paper, like a caveman; it's just not right! This cannot stand. To make matters worse, my wife says we can't afford a new one. The one I priced (second rung up from the cheapest article on the market) is $130. Surely we can afford that. Surely.
All things being equal, I would be just as happy to find my old one, but it doesn't look like it will turn up. This bothers me more than it should.
It just now occurred to me that I could just buy another m100 model. I'm slow. Think I might do that...
August 4th 7:49AM
Joe Crawford rocks
Joe has posted his contribution to art at a young age. Follow the links to a mouseover-enabled explanation of each of the work's components. I find it striking for a knot of reasons:
When I was in eighth grade (the same age as Joe when he did his, and nearly the same age as my daughter is now), my teacher assigned us a project much like this, but more crafts than arts.
We were to put together a little box of stuff that expressed things about ourselves at that time. I don't remember the particulars about it, but I remember coming across it just a few years later and realizing even after that short of a time how much of an impact a little time-capsule-ish item like this can have.
I don't know what happened to that thing, and I'm sure it was tossed out in a moment of anger and low self-worth. Bummer.
Seeing Joe's makes me want to urge my daughter to make one too, as a note to her future self. Artifacts are powerful. Thanks for posting and sharing that Joe, that was cool.
August 2nd 12:49PM
Freakout averted, temporarily
Communication is good. Talking about my current difficulties has helped, but it's not over yet. I hope to develop a way to handle this crap.
New style, just like the old style
I have changed some of the HTML and styles on the blog entries to make them "better," cleaner code. The stuff that's updated should look the same, and some of the archives will look odd until they get revised. I'm working on it.
August 2nd 7:49AM
Master of the slow motion freakout
Excerpted from an e-mail I sent recently:
What's up with me? Just trying to keep up. ... sometimes I feel like the water's up to my chin - you know that tip-toeing feeling, where you balance the best you can, just to breathe? And the least little unexpected rocking motion can put 6 ounces of water down your gullet? Like that.
I need to find a way to let go, without totally letting go. It's getting so I don't even want to go home anymore. The unusual part is that it's not the people there, it's the way I feel when I'm there. It's me. I've got all these things, this nice house, surrounded by great people, and I can't enjoy a single bit of it. I want to.
I thought I was doing well, coming out of last month's difficulties. I felt better. I thought I was handling stress better. Maybe I was, but I'm not now. I feel like I'm grinding, burning, screaming inside. I'd cry if I could, but it just doesn't happen. Stress seems to come from nowhere, and I don't know why.
I wonder if there are therapists in Valley Springs...
August 1st 12:49PM
The weekend
The weekend was tiring, busy and fun.
The highlight of Saturday was when I took my daughter out for her first driving lesson (cue the sound of screeching brakes and screaming women and children). Honestly, she did great, and picked it up quickly. I had a great time doing something with her she actually enjoyed. I have photos, but they're not ready to post.
We did reverse, drive, three-point turns, circles, figure eights, parking, and practiced the mysterious art of braking without snapping the necks of the occupants.
"I like your house - can I have it?"
The highlight of Sunday was a barbecue in just about the most beautiful, idyllic mountain setting I can imagine living in. It was hosted and attended by my wife's construction-worker buddies. I was disappointed in that everyone was on their best behavior, drank ever-so minimally, and not a single out-of-turn word was spoken.
Somebody's boss's boss was there, and apparently, no one wanted to say anything they'd have to explain later on. It was all very pleasant and acceptable, and pretty boring. It's a shame, too, because construction workers usually can talk shit like nobody's business, and I was in the mood for some conversation that would wilt the foliage. No dice. But the guy's got a magnificent home, and he and his wife hosted a classy shindig anyway, and the food was good. I guess I was just hoping for a livelier discussion of unimportant events.
Get well soon
My pop-in-law had major surgery last week, and seems to be recovering well. I hope for all the best for him.
There was more to blog, but my head hurts. More and more, it hurts at work. Hmmm.